Christmas 2010

Well here it is Christmas and it is really gloomy in my house. There is no Christmas tree, do family, no presents and no Christmas dinner. This is the first time this has happened to me. I feel like a failure as a parent But I just can't. I am living off of 300 a month. our cell's are off right now and I owe my aunt money. I just can't catch a break. I still haven't found work and I have sent out about a hundred applications and resumes. I just don't know what else to do. I have applied to everything and anything.

Zack had a setback this week and got totally drunk. I have found aa meetings for him and he has gone for the past two days. I really hope this helps him. He is fighting some battle with himself. He thinks I don't love him or want him. That I don't think he is living up to my potential. It hurts me and I don't know how to change his opinion. He can't stand talking to me so I can't tell him I love him, he wont be around me so I can't hug him. How is this my fault? We use to be so close. it breaks my heart.

I am struggling with myself also, how am I going to function when he is gone to florida? I am worried this is going to be the thing to break me and really push me over the edge into depression. I try to stay positive and happy but who is it helping? not me or my son. I just feel helpless and like I am ruining my son's life even though I know I am not the one responsible for his actions I feel like I should have seen something or known what is going on. How did I not know he was doing drugs and dealing, or drinking and cutting himself?

I thought that by putting this out there into the world I would feel better about it, but the truth is I just don't. I am so sad all the time and just feel worthless. Something has to give, and get better.


Well I just wanted to say merry christmas and even though we didn't have a holiday this year, I hope yours was filled with love, family and laughter.