So.. wow I can't believe it has been almost 2 years since my last blog.. that is crazy. A lot has happened in those two years. I have started dating again and my life has really become a nightmare.
My son Zack who is now 16 is having a very hard time right now. I guess he has been doing drugs and dealing. Not only that but he is drinking and cutting. He has been hospitalized twice now.. once for thinking of killing himself and then 2 weeks later for attempting suicide.
As a mother this is very hard on me. It has only been Zack and I his whole life. Like I have said in previous posts we found my dad and his side of the family and they have been wonderful but I still feel like we are on our own. Maybe that is because I found them as an adult and they weren't there my whole life.. who knows. I know they think of us and wish us well and even love us now, and that is awesome.
So in September I lost my job. not only did I lose my job but I was in a car accident and lost my car, and now I have lost my apartment and in a week I will be losing my son. He will be moving in with my dad and step mom in Florida to get some help that he desperately needs.
Some of you know my background. I use to live in a very abusive home until I was 16. I was finally taken away from my mother then and put into foster homes. I was in 4 total. 2 were emergency foster homes which means for just a very short time you will be there.. maybe a weekend or such. The 3rd home was a good family, but they lived in a rough neighborhood and I was scared out of my mind.. growing up in oak park I really didn't have those worries. Then I was at a practically all black school and I was the only white girl and girls wanted to beat me up all the time.. it was crazy. I then left for my last foster home and that was ok but the older daughter and I didn't get along very well.. you see I wasn't a bad kid.. I listened and did what I was told.. living in an abusive home will teach you those things..lol. anyway I was always fighting with this girl and it ended badly and I had to leave there and went on to live at maryville academy in DesPlaines which I loved it there.
so after maryville I lived with the family that ran the home in maryville for a short time before I went to college, then the summer after my first year I got pregnant. I have basically been doing things my own way my whole life. I have never depended on anyone for anything.. it is hard when you are put into a position where you are depending on someone and every second of every day you feel bad for being dependent on them. I think this is my main reason I am not married or in a serious relationship with a man. It is hard for me not to be in control of everything.
Anyway.. back to Zack. So next week.. I will have lost everything.. I will have no worth.. isn't' that crazy to say, I wont have a job, a car, a place of my own, or a child. Even writing that hurts me. I am a very strong woman and to sit down and type that is really hard. I am afraid I am falling into depression, I hurt all the time. My son can't get away from me fast enough and that hurts like you can't believe. I don't do anything to him that would hurt him or make him hate me.. he just does. Everyone tells me it is normal and most teenagers go through this but when it is only you and that teenager for ever and then they say they hate you and can't live with you.. well it pretty much ends your world.
Zack use to be such a momma's boy.. it use to drive me crazy.. but then again..of course he was. His dad has never made an effort to be in his life so there have been no male roll models in his life. So to go from a kid not wanting to leave your side to a kid who can't get away from you fast enough is heartbreaking. I know I haven't done anything to prompt this.. but I still feel like I have done something wrong. I am not a perfect person.. I am nice..sure but I still have my flaws.
So now.. I am staying with a friend of mine and looking for work. Hopefully things turn around and my life stops trying to throw me off a cliff. I just want to have a nice life.. nothing crazy.. just be happy again. that shouldn't be too much to ask for right.
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Mindi, I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you. I only had the tiniest idea from your status updates. I know it is really hard for you to let your son go elsewhere, but that will never change that he is your son. Also, it's good that he's getting the help he needs before it's too late. I will keep you both in my prayers; know that your trials will bring blessings (even if it's not as quickly as we want them)!
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