Well here it is Christmas and it is really gloomy in my house. There is no Christmas tree, do family, no presents and no Christmas dinner. This is the first time this has happened to me. I feel like a failure as a parent But I just can't. I am living off of 300 a month. our cell's are off right now and I owe my aunt money. I just can't catch a break. I still haven't found work and I have sent out about a hundred applications and resumes. I just don't know what else to do. I have applied to everything and anything.
Zack had a setback this week and got totally drunk. I have found aa meetings for him and he has gone for the past two days. I really hope this helps him. He is fighting some battle with himself. He thinks I don't love him or want him. That I don't think he is living up to my potential. It hurts me and I don't know how to change his opinion. He can't stand talking to me so I can't tell him I love him, he wont be around me so I can't hug him. How is this my fault? We use to be so close. it breaks my heart.
I am struggling with myself also, how am I going to function when he is gone to florida? I am worried this is going to be the thing to break me and really push me over the edge into depression. I try to stay positive and happy but who is it helping? not me or my son. I just feel helpless and like I am ruining my son's life even though I know I am not the one responsible for his actions I feel like I should have seen something or known what is going on. How did I not know he was doing drugs and dealing, or drinking and cutting himself?
I thought that by putting this out there into the world I would feel better about it, but the truth is I just don't. I am so sad all the time and just feel worthless. Something has to give, and get better.
Well I just wanted to say merry christmas and even though we didn't have a holiday this year, I hope yours was filled with love, family and laughter.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Lazy Day
So I have been filling out applications like crazy.. today I took the day to just be lazy. I watched tv all day and baked brownies. I watched Twilight again for the millionth time, I just love looking at Robert Pattinson.. yummo!
My dad called and booked Zack's flight today. he leaves jan. 4th so at least I have a bit more time with him before he goes to stay for however long he will be there for. This is harder then I thought it would be for me. As a parent of a teenager it is easy to want your children to leave you alone. They aren't very fun to be around anymore, I know that sounds bad but teenagers are moody and mouthy. Maybe it is different for me because I am a single parent and don't crack the whip like a man would.. who knows. That seems to be where I am lacking. I give so much love and it is hard to say no all the time.
So my goals while Zack is in Florida is as follows.. this is just a rough draft we all know things can change and all..lol
1. Hopefully I will have a job by then but if not then get a job.
2. Get a new apartment
3. Go on a vacation (this might seem easy but believe me it isn't easy for me)
4. Start really dating. No more messing around, no more going half way into dating. I mean give it my all... I think I have been putting these past men at a disadvantage.
5. Start spending more time with my friends.
see.. that seems like a simple list. I think with the funk I have been in lately these might be doable goals. The last three things on the list will be the hardest. I am the kind of person who feels like I don't want to bring others down with me so I will just be by myself. I have to remind myself that I am a nice person and people like when I am around. I don't need to drag them all down with me, and I can accept their help when offered. That is a huge step for me. I don't like asking for help, I don't want anyone to think they have to be there for me. I am sure that is some deep rooted childhood issues of mine..lol.
I have been thinking of maybe going back to school and studying hospitality or baking..lol. After zack was born I worked at Marriott and I really loved it. The timing wasn't right when I worked there before but now I think I can really put myself whole heartily into it. Wouldn't it be amazing to work somewhere and travel? As for the baking.. well if you know me.. you will know I love cooking shows and I love kitchen tools. I swear I own almost everything from pampered chef. Anyway I would love to learn more stuff in the kitchen.. I am slowly teaching myself, but who knows if it is the right way. I am pretty sure someone has a better way of doing things..lol.
I have a twitter account and hardly have any "real" friends on there. They are all celebrities, cooks, or authors. I love reading what they are doing all the time..lol.
The friend that I am staying with hasn't decorated for the holidays. This is my first Christmas ever without a tree or lights or anything.. it is kind of depressing. I love it best when all the lights are off and the only thing on is the Christmas tree.. it is so peaceful and homey. My friend has two girls and two boys. one boy is in college and then it goes to 16, 11, and 1 1/2. being around the baby is fun and I like spending time with the girls. Girls are very different then boys. One of the daughters likes to bake like me so we get to chat about food. The other just likes when I bake things so she can eat them. Zack stays by himself in the basement.. it kind of drives me crazy that he doesn't socialize with all of us. I don't know how to make him start to do that without it becoming a fight.
Well have a great day.. thanks for reading. I think I will try to write in this once a day, it kind of makes me feel good putting all my problems out there for the world to handle with me. I know I am not the only one have problems and maybe something I write will help someone else. I like to think that might happen.
My dad called and booked Zack's flight today. he leaves jan. 4th so at least I have a bit more time with him before he goes to stay for however long he will be there for. This is harder then I thought it would be for me. As a parent of a teenager it is easy to want your children to leave you alone. They aren't very fun to be around anymore, I know that sounds bad but teenagers are moody and mouthy. Maybe it is different for me because I am a single parent and don't crack the whip like a man would.. who knows. That seems to be where I am lacking. I give so much love and it is hard to say no all the time.
So my goals while Zack is in Florida is as follows.. this is just a rough draft we all know things can change and all..lol
1. Hopefully I will have a job by then but if not then get a job.
2. Get a new apartment
3. Go on a vacation (this might seem easy but believe me it isn't easy for me)
4. Start really dating. No more messing around, no more going half way into dating. I mean give it my all... I think I have been putting these past men at a disadvantage.
5. Start spending more time with my friends.
see.. that seems like a simple list. I think with the funk I have been in lately these might be doable goals. The last three things on the list will be the hardest. I am the kind of person who feels like I don't want to bring others down with me so I will just be by myself. I have to remind myself that I am a nice person and people like when I am around. I don't need to drag them all down with me, and I can accept their help when offered. That is a huge step for me. I don't like asking for help, I don't want anyone to think they have to be there for me. I am sure that is some deep rooted childhood issues of mine..lol.
I have been thinking of maybe going back to school and studying hospitality or baking..lol. After zack was born I worked at Marriott and I really loved it. The timing wasn't right when I worked there before but now I think I can really put myself whole heartily into it. Wouldn't it be amazing to work somewhere and travel? As for the baking.. well if you know me.. you will know I love cooking shows and I love kitchen tools. I swear I own almost everything from pampered chef. Anyway I would love to learn more stuff in the kitchen.. I am slowly teaching myself, but who knows if it is the right way. I am pretty sure someone has a better way of doing things..lol.
I have a twitter account and hardly have any "real" friends on there. They are all celebrities, cooks, or authors. I love reading what they are doing all the time..lol.
The friend that I am staying with hasn't decorated for the holidays. This is my first Christmas ever without a tree or lights or anything.. it is kind of depressing. I love it best when all the lights are off and the only thing on is the Christmas tree.. it is so peaceful and homey. My friend has two girls and two boys. one boy is in college and then it goes to 16, 11, and 1 1/2. being around the baby is fun and I like spending time with the girls. Girls are very different then boys. One of the daughters likes to bake like me so we get to chat about food. The other just likes when I bake things so she can eat them. Zack stays by himself in the basement.. it kind of drives me crazy that he doesn't socialize with all of us. I don't know how to make him start to do that without it becoming a fight.
Well have a great day.. thanks for reading. I think I will try to write in this once a day, it kind of makes me feel good putting all my problems out there for the world to handle with me. I know I am not the only one have problems and maybe something I write will help someone else. I like to think that might happen.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Nightmare on my street
So.. wow I can't believe it has been almost 2 years since my last blog.. that is crazy. A lot has happened in those two years. I have started dating again and my life has really become a nightmare.
My son Zack who is now 16 is having a very hard time right now. I guess he has been doing drugs and dealing. Not only that but he is drinking and cutting. He has been hospitalized twice now.. once for thinking of killing himself and then 2 weeks later for attempting suicide.
As a mother this is very hard on me. It has only been Zack and I his whole life. Like I have said in previous posts we found my dad and his side of the family and they have been wonderful but I still feel like we are on our own. Maybe that is because I found them as an adult and they weren't there my whole life.. who knows. I know they think of us and wish us well and even love us now, and that is awesome.
So in September I lost my job. not only did I lose my job but I was in a car accident and lost my car, and now I have lost my apartment and in a week I will be losing my son. He will be moving in with my dad and step mom in Florida to get some help that he desperately needs.
Some of you know my background. I use to live in a very abusive home until I was 16. I was finally taken away from my mother then and put into foster homes. I was in 4 total. 2 were emergency foster homes which means for just a very short time you will be there.. maybe a weekend or such. The 3rd home was a good family, but they lived in a rough neighborhood and I was scared out of my mind.. growing up in oak park I really didn't have those worries. Then I was at a practically all black school and I was the only white girl and girls wanted to beat me up all the time.. it was crazy. I then left for my last foster home and that was ok but the older daughter and I didn't get along very well.. you see I wasn't a bad kid.. I listened and did what I was told.. living in an abusive home will teach you those things..lol. anyway I was always fighting with this girl and it ended badly and I had to leave there and went on to live at maryville academy in DesPlaines which I loved it there.
so after maryville I lived with the family that ran the home in maryville for a short time before I went to college, then the summer after my first year I got pregnant. I have basically been doing things my own way my whole life. I have never depended on anyone for anything.. it is hard when you are put into a position where you are depending on someone and every second of every day you feel bad for being dependent on them. I think this is my main reason I am not married or in a serious relationship with a man. It is hard for me not to be in control of everything.
Anyway.. back to Zack. So next week.. I will have lost everything.. I will have no worth.. isn't' that crazy to say, I wont have a job, a car, a place of my own, or a child. Even writing that hurts me. I am a very strong woman and to sit down and type that is really hard. I am afraid I am falling into depression, I hurt all the time. My son can't get away from me fast enough and that hurts like you can't believe. I don't do anything to him that would hurt him or make him hate me.. he just does. Everyone tells me it is normal and most teenagers go through this but when it is only you and that teenager for ever and then they say they hate you and can't live with you.. well it pretty much ends your world.
Zack use to be such a momma's boy.. it use to drive me crazy.. but then again..of course he was. His dad has never made an effort to be in his life so there have been no male roll models in his life. So to go from a kid not wanting to leave your side to a kid who can't get away from you fast enough is heartbreaking. I know I haven't done anything to prompt this.. but I still feel like I have done something wrong. I am not a perfect person.. I am nice..sure but I still have my flaws.
So now.. I am staying with a friend of mine and looking for work. Hopefully things turn around and my life stops trying to throw me off a cliff. I just want to have a nice life.. nothing crazy.. just be happy again. that shouldn't be too much to ask for right.
My son Zack who is now 16 is having a very hard time right now. I guess he has been doing drugs and dealing. Not only that but he is drinking and cutting. He has been hospitalized twice now.. once for thinking of killing himself and then 2 weeks later for attempting suicide.
As a mother this is very hard on me. It has only been Zack and I his whole life. Like I have said in previous posts we found my dad and his side of the family and they have been wonderful but I still feel like we are on our own. Maybe that is because I found them as an adult and they weren't there my whole life.. who knows. I know they think of us and wish us well and even love us now, and that is awesome.
So in September I lost my job. not only did I lose my job but I was in a car accident and lost my car, and now I have lost my apartment and in a week I will be losing my son. He will be moving in with my dad and step mom in Florida to get some help that he desperately needs.
Some of you know my background. I use to live in a very abusive home until I was 16. I was finally taken away from my mother then and put into foster homes. I was in 4 total. 2 were emergency foster homes which means for just a very short time you will be there.. maybe a weekend or such. The 3rd home was a good family, but they lived in a rough neighborhood and I was scared out of my mind.. growing up in oak park I really didn't have those worries. Then I was at a practically all black school and I was the only white girl and girls wanted to beat me up all the time.. it was crazy. I then left for my last foster home and that was ok but the older daughter and I didn't get along very well.. you see I wasn't a bad kid.. I listened and did what I was told.. living in an abusive home will teach you those things..lol. anyway I was always fighting with this girl and it ended badly and I had to leave there and went on to live at maryville academy in DesPlaines which I loved it there.
so after maryville I lived with the family that ran the home in maryville for a short time before I went to college, then the summer after my first year I got pregnant. I have basically been doing things my own way my whole life. I have never depended on anyone for anything.. it is hard when you are put into a position where you are depending on someone and every second of every day you feel bad for being dependent on them. I think this is my main reason I am not married or in a serious relationship with a man. It is hard for me not to be in control of everything.
Anyway.. back to Zack. So next week.. I will have lost everything.. I will have no worth.. isn't' that crazy to say, I wont have a job, a car, a place of my own, or a child. Even writing that hurts me. I am a very strong woman and to sit down and type that is really hard. I am afraid I am falling into depression, I hurt all the time. My son can't get away from me fast enough and that hurts like you can't believe. I don't do anything to him that would hurt him or make him hate me.. he just does. Everyone tells me it is normal and most teenagers go through this but when it is only you and that teenager for ever and then they say they hate you and can't live with you.. well it pretty much ends your world.
Zack use to be such a momma's boy.. it use to drive me crazy.. but then again..of course he was. His dad has never made an effort to be in his life so there have been no male roll models in his life. So to go from a kid not wanting to leave your side to a kid who can't get away from you fast enough is heartbreaking. I know I haven't done anything to prompt this.. but I still feel like I have done something wrong. I am not a perfect person.. I am nice..sure but I still have my flaws.
So now.. I am staying with a friend of mine and looking for work. Hopefully things turn around and my life stops trying to throw me off a cliff. I just want to have a nice life.. nothing crazy.. just be happy again. that shouldn't be too much to ask for right.
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